Mr. Stone Brewing Company "Arrogant Bastard Ale"

If this beer were a man...

...he would live up to his name, and yet, somehow manage to have a lovable quality to him (well, after a beer or two anyway...). His high energy and dizzying use of four syllable words and professional jargon makes for a harsh first impression. But the more time you spend with him, you realize that although he's not the kind of guy that you want by your side 24/7 (or living in your home), he definitely fills a niche in your life. In fact, you soon find that he becomes one of your favorite late night drinking buddies: he's animated, enthusiastic, willing to sing karaoke at the drop of a hat, and his heavy drinking habits always make you look that much more responsible. Yes, he has more than a few mother issues, and he's not the kind of friend you would aspire to have too far into adulthood. (You've considered adding an addendum to your "Before 30 Bucket List" to kick the habit of bar hopping with him by the time you enter your third decade.) But for right now, he offers a much needed dose of political incorrectness that you need at the end of a long week, and sometimes on a Tuesday night...

Ms. Boulevard Brewing "80-Acre Hoppy Wheat Beer"

If this beer were a woman...

this sorta women is unique and rare. She has the rugged side that you would expect out of a cowgirl... assuming cowgirls do still exist outside of those old Western movies, which are seemingly no longer made. Somehow she both dotes after you while at the same time holding you accountable for carrying your weight in the relationship and life in general. She's the kind of girl that enjoys a good hay ride on the tractor around Halloween time while at the same time heading out and enjoying a shot of whiskey and maybe even rolling around in the hay if you're lucky. She has a cute girl next door vibe that is exemplified by her playful tomboyish nature demonstrated by her enjoyment in shoving you off the dock into that nearby lake. You enjoy wrestling with her in the dirt and realize you can be both a kid and an adult with her at the same time, making her the perfect blend of childishness and maturity. This allows you to enjoy every stage of life...she is
the type of a women you can begin and end a life with. But although she appreciates hearing that from you, she certainly cannot help herself from giving you a good rib for telling her that.

Mr. Kona "Koko Brown"

If this beer were a man..

...you would meet him on a tropical vacation. He would be native to the area, and given that English is not his first language, he could get away with saying sweet and borderline sappy lines that his American counterparts would never dare to try on you. At the sight of him, your breath would get caught in your chest, sending a tingling through your core. As his leg brushed against yours under the table at dinner, you'd easily become drunk on his alluring nature, quickly throwing your "no sex before love" rule to the wind. Waking up in his perfectly tanned embrace, you wouldn't have a single regret about breaking your own rules (so much so that you'd break them again, twice, before breakfast). At the end of the week, as you prepare to depart and return to the real world, you are sure to steal one lass kiss, passionate enough to make anyone within a one-hundred yard radius b
lush wildly as they are unable to look away. But parting is not such sweet sorrow, as you are not the kind of girl who can tolerate a man doting over you incessantly for more than one romanticized week in the islands at a time.

Mr. 21st Amendment "Brew Free! Or Die IPA"

If this beer were a man...

...he would bring you a beautiful bunch of wildflowers on your first date, because he knows it's the romantic thing to do, but after that, he'd barely remember a gift on your birthday, never mind gifts without occasion. And by the time you discover that the initial bouquet was picked from his mother's garden, you are too entranced by his physical prowess to give a damn. You often find yourself day dreaming about his shoulders, biceps, chest....hell, even his triceps turn you on; and on more than one occasion you've embraced the opportunity to lick them. He can lift and maneuver your body with swiftness and ease, suddenly making you realize that you desire a man strong enough to throw you across the room, but sane enough not to try. He often wakes up much earlier than you in the morning, and you force your eyes to flutter open long enough to watch him pull on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, not wanting to miss a single chance to gaze upon the perfection of his silhouette, knowing that you will have a finite number of opportunities. After all, you are the kind of girl who needs a boy to bring her flowers...

Ms. "Tecate" Cerveza

If this beer were a woman...

she would have a slight albeit cute bitterness to her aura. Like she has a decent sized chip on her shoulder, but this by no means drives her to work hard at her profession or party hardy. At the same time, this not a leading to exciting rash actions or being a bit nutty in a fun way, so no fun craziness. At first you think this is a reflection that she is accepting of her nature and well failure in life, but then you realize she's happy with her life despite the fact that it is not that exciting of one; she certainly doesn't get your motor revving. This acceptance and happiness with the simplicity of her life causes you to respect her, but you really do not enjoy her company a great ton. She is just too down and out to excite you. You realize she may be a good thoughtful friend, who can always over you perspective on things. However, she is a bit of a Debbie Downer...but don't worry she is not a Sober Sally, those b****es be the worst.

Mr. Kona "Big Wave"

If this beer were a man...

...he would have a thirst for knowledge and new experiences. He would typically have something planned for every night of the week, without ever feeling stressed out. He would be well educated, up to date on current events, and able to have a conversation with anyone about anything. At the same time, he could appreciate silence without feeling the need to break it in order to ease his own discomfort. (This combinations makes him one of your favorite beach companions.) He would have a way of bringing out the best in you and others, and putting people at ease. He's the kind of man that you can invite to your extended family's huge 4th of July bash, without worrying about him staying glued to your side. In fact, driving home at the end of the day, he would share copious amounts of information about your relatives, including detail after detail that you were not already privy to. There is no doubt in your mind that everyone will still be inquiring about him over Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners. 

Ms. SOL Cerveza Importada

If this beer were a woman...

she's a relaxed, free flowing sweet hearted girl that enjoys silly goose conversations on the beach as you bask in the sun under an assortment of different beach umbrellas. There's the Sponge Bob Square Pants, Bill Nye the Science Guy, Dora the Explorer, and Jersey Shore themed umbrellas and accompanying beach attire. These umbrellas are symbolic of both her childish nature and her level of intelligence. But that hot blonde body that looks amazing in that Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles bikini (apparently they do make those, which is probably wrong) keeps you around. You have boat loads of fun, but are never able to get past those light hearted conversations revolving around Snooki's latest escapades, the maturation of Sponge Bob or that Bill Nye video on osmosis (well I guess, that's a little intellectual). This light hearted relationship was enjoyable but certainly leaves you realizing you want more depth in a relationship. She makes you realize that you no longer want to be a kid at all times...although it sure can be fun to be a kid again.

Ms. Dos Equis "Amber Lager"

If this beer were a woman...

she would have skin that resembled dark chocolate thats glistens in the bright sun, where she spends as much of the day as possible. She has full bodied hair with slight curls, speaks with a sexy little Spanish accent that gets your motor revving, and  possesses an aura of sophistication, as she considers herself the most interesting woman in the world. There are attempts at intellectual conversations that fail o so miserably, because she is just worried about sounding o so smart and mature; this makes her seem the complete and utter opposite. She often dresses up to feel better about herself and you spend time in trendy lounge bars around town. At first this makes you feel like you have finally grown up, maybe you have become a sophisticated adult or something...until you realize that she has made you resemble a pompous, posing asshole and she a fake b****. But you always find yourself staying thirsty for more my friends because...well she's hot.

Ms. Half Acre "Daisy Cutter Pale Ale"

If this beer were a woman...

she would be like a young farm girl, fond of daisies in the fields and the type of girl who you chill on a big wrap around porch with; enjoying some rocking chairs. As you rock back and forth rhythmically you both enjoy the crisp, pale taste of same "lemonade,' otherwise known as a very refreshing beer with a strong and dark aftertaste that is ever so refreshing on a sunny day in the summer. Both of you are shielding your pale skin from the warm country sun that is beaming down on the fields that surround you as far as the eye can see. One, if not two of you, may be gingers. You find yourself spending the day on the porch enjoying deep, thought provoking yet comfortable conversations. Time flies by and night arrives. Now she wants to go out on the town and show off her rugid, blunt, and outgoing party side. During the day she is intellectual and through provoking; at night she is giddy, goofy, and most of all just nutty outgoing girl on the town. It is almost as if is she is a werewolf; tame, intellectually thoughtful by day and a party animal by night. Those gingers be crazy. This versatility is ever so exciting...until she bites your head off one night. But you have no regrets and would do it all over
again and again and again...

Mr. Magic Hat "Saint Saltan"

If this beer were a man...

...there would be something about him that you find wildly attractive (perhaps his passion, his talent, his intelligence, or maybe just his abs...), and yet, you are not attracted to him. You are endlessly frustrated by this fact at first, and keep trying to let yourself dive in head over heels. The first day that you are PMSing in his presence, however, his one overwhelmingly attractive quality can no longer mask the truth: he lacks the level of emotional intelligence that you need in a man. It is blatantly obvious as you collapse into a heap on the couch, breaking into tears at the end of a heart-warming movie, that he does not know how to take care of you or comfort you. He stands at a distance, peeved by your display of emotion, and you are awed that, in addition to his shallowness, he doesn't even have the creative problem-solving skills to at least offer you a beer. 

Mr. Heavy Seas Loose Cannon Hop3 IPA

If this beer were a man...
 
 ...he would love both steak and granola. His facial hair would be scruffy in a way that left you unsure whether he was attempting to grow a goatee, or whether laziness had resulted in a 5 0'clock shadow to the nth degree. He would kiss passionately with an unexpected depth, and with the bittersweet (and demandingly masculine) chaffing of facial hair against the softness of your cheek. He would be in love with the outdoors, and hardcore enough to go camping for a weekend at Acadia National Park in Maine in late October. While sharing the intimacy of a 2-person tent with you in the snow, he would be surprisingly in touch with in emotions and desires. And you would be delighted to learn that he was also the kind of man who owned a disabled pet....like a 3-legged bunny.

Ms. Stella Artois

If this beer were a woman...

she would be the female version of a loveable douchebag. This is the girl a man regularly finds himself around because of comfort but she does not bring anything that special to the table. However, she sure as hell feels as if she is the bees knees as exhibited by her attempts to introduce herself in the strongest French accent possible, attempting to make themselves sounds as sophisticated as possible...failing to do so I might add. However, she is  run of the mill, as if women like her are
only slightly less mass produced than Budweiser. But when you are caught in a situation where you have to make a decent decision but just do not want to think about it, this woman is your choice. And when you tell your friends about it their response is "Really? Her again?"

Ms. Leffe Blonde

If this beer were a woman...

she'd have a sunny disposition, and surprise surprise be blonde; however despite this she would not flaunt herself or her golden locks or her athletic body. This lady spent time in an abbey...making you wonder whether she is of deep faith or if she has similar behavioral tendencies to that of a naughty preacher's daughter, both of you which you find appealing in very, very different ways.  Spending time with this women in all arenas of life always go smoothly. She is low maintenance and puts the needs of others in front of her own as reflected in her job as a nurse at the local hospital treating the elderly. Your only worry about her is that at times she will be too nice for her own good, leaving her vulnerable to be preyed upon. She even gave away your birthday gift to someone else who crossed her path who was in more need. You want to ask for help with things, but you are racked with apprehension and guilt when doing so because you know no matter what she will say yes. Her kind nature makes you feel as though you may not be worthy of her affection and that same nature infuriates you when she gives away your birthday gift to some goddamn homeless guy on the street. She is the sweetest b**** you'll ever meet. And no her name is not Sammi.

Lagunitas "Maximus IPA"

If this beer were a man...

...he would talk about his rugby league and occasional ultimate fighting endeavors in such a way that portrayed an innate enthusiasm for athleticism, rather than a desire to show off his physical prowess. Although his day job is not where is passion lies, it allows the required amount of flexibility and vacation time for him to engage in these extra curricular activities.  He also enjoys coaching, and volunteers his time teaching soccer to children and adolescents. He dreams of one day coaching at the collegiate level, and feels confident enough to do so in any number of different sports. Perhaps a bit too often, you find yourself emailing him job listings for swim coaches, as you know he's the type of man who teaches by example, and you yearn for opportunities to see him scantily clad in a public setting. You're a little intimidated the first time he suggests a gym date. He can out run, out lift and out bike you, but proves to be enthusiastic and encouraging in a way that challenges you to exceed your personal goals. And if you were still in middle school, you could picture yourself doodling "Mrs. Lagunitas Maximus IPA" in the margins of your diary. 

Mr. Dogfish Head "Raison D'Etre"

If this beer were a man...

...he would talk about his career in the organic culinary field with such  endless fervor, that he could redirect any conversation back to this topic. People around him would wonder if he was truly that passionate about the subject, or if it was just nervous energy and/or that he sincerely lacked the social skills to read others' non-verbal cues of disinterest. As he becomes more comfortable, you sense an underlying depth of someone who has had to overcome an adverse experience, and you listen for contextual clues that might indicate childhood trauma, a history of depression or a substance abusing past. You would feel that if he could just trust you enough to be genuine, that sharing his past had the potential to be a strong bonding experience. Unfortunately it would take months of trying to get him to open up before you realize that you should leave the therapy for your day job. You try not to feel guilty when you end things and your response to the "Can we still be friends" question is, "Ehhhh... I'm sorry...I just don't think so..."

Mr. Sam Adams "Stony Brook Red"

If this beer were a man...

...he would saunter up to you as you waited at the bar for your first drink, with an air of arrogant entitlement. He would be armed only with contrite pick up lines, and unfortunately none of them would be as functional as: "Can I buy you a drink." Although even if he had offered to buy you a drink, after about 90 seconds of slimy glances, audacious comments, and three attempts to put his arm around your waist, you would have informed him that you would gladly take the drink, but you had no intention of spending another degrading second in his company once the bartender put that beer in your hand. But alas, he's not buying your drink, so you give him a piece of your mind, using as many four syllable words as possible (hoping there's at least one in there that he cannot define) before you turn and march to the other end of the bar. Had your first interaction with him been closer to last call, while you were at the phase of the evening where everyone is dancing like no one else is watching, the interaction would have looked much different. He would have come on strong on the dance floor, and while his cockiness would still be apparent, at least you wouldn't have to hear him speak. You would dance with him, finding satisfaction in always keeping him at arms length, and smirking each time you squashed his attempts to get close enough to grind against you. As the lights came on and the music faded out, you and your girlfriends would swiftly turn and exit the bar without as much as a wave goodbye, and only then would it dawn on him that he wasn't getting lucky that night. 

Ms. New Belgium "Abbey Belgian Style Ale"

If this beer were a woman...

...she would have hints of sweetness under the surface of a classy and sophisticated yet rugged exterior. Her hair would be long, flowing and mahogany colored. She is the type of women who could cook a four course meal and then go camping out in the woods, maybe enjoy a lakefront cabin. This diversity keeps you on your toes and leaves you wondering what is around each corner...a four course French style gourmet meal or some girl popping a squat in the woods, but she still looks cute and is always, always behind a bush, maintaining her classiness. This women yields a sense of security as well as consistent excitement that makes you wonder where life and/or this women will lead you.

Ms. Goose Island "312 Urban Wheat Ale"

If this beer were a woman....

...she would be sensitive  without being that overly sensitive crazy ass b*****.  This slender and athletic women is low maintenance and enjoys just hanging out at the ballgame in the sunny days of summer.  She has a pleasant and unassuming personality who at times seems like she is one of the fellas, but manages to maintain her femininity in those sexy subtle ways including flashing that beaming smile that makes your day. However, her unassuming personality makes you fail to appreciate her and eventually you drift apart, finding yourself back in the single world before long  And at fleeting times you find yourself wondering what could of been...until you see that next cute girl walk by.

Mr. Magic Hat "#9"

If this beer were a man...

...he would be a friend since childhood. You would hug every time you saw each other, without exchanging an ounce of sexual attraction. He's never come out and said it, but you've known since the first grade that he was batting for the other team, and you're both perfectly comfortable with that silent understanding.  You always feel at ease around him, and ever since middle school he's been someone who you could count on for intelligent conversation and a light and fun filled evening. He's clever and witty, with a sarcastic edginess. The number of inside jokes between you is countless, and you'll admit, on more than one occasion he's made you laugh so hard that you peed yourself a little. 

Mr. Cottrell Brewing Company "Mystic Bridge IPA"

If this beer were a man...

...you would be very aware of his ability to change a tire, move heavy furniture, and grow a full beard. But he would also hold the door for you (even after years of dating), ask if you needed anything when he got up off the couch to grab a glass of water on movie night, and clear both of your dishes off the table after dinner. Heck, sometimes he would even cook the meal, but with a degree of frequency that always made the occasion feel novel. Although he would appear very outgoing from the start, you would often find yourself pleasantly surprised by his ability to catch you off guard with unexpected thoughts and ideas, and many late nights would be spent in exhilarating conversation.

Mr. Magic Hat "Ticket to Rye"

If this beer were a man...

...he would be tall, of African decent, and built, with dreads so perfect, that you couldn't help but wonder if God had a hand in crafting each one individually. As he towered a foot above you, you would imagine how safe it would feel to be wrapped in his arms. And when you described him to your friends, you would swear that his biceps were the size of your thighs. You would stand close to him when he spoke, breathing deeply to take in his earthy scent with a subtle sweetness that you could not get enough of. The week following your encounter, your friends would get sick of hearing you pine after this beautiful man who oozed masculinity, while portraying a humble gentleness. They would ask you repeatedly why you didn't ask him for his number, and each time you would reply, "I'm not worthy! I'm not worthy!" They would giggle at the Wayne's World reference, but you weren't entirely kidding. 

Ms. Pabst Blue Ribbon

If this beer were a woman...

This hard nosed, rugged chick will call and enjoys calling you out for anything and everything...whether you deserve it or not. But at the same time she would not care if you took a piss in the alley. She is aggressive and will pounce on you without hesitance or consideration for her or your state of hygiene, but hey what guy cares? She believes her man will stick around for her pap smear results. Or well at least his beer goggles tell him such. So fellas live and learn..or basically run way from that PBR. Although in that late night and at that so affordable price...it is ever so tempting.

Introduction

This will host profiles of beers comparing them to a gender. 

We have two authors - one male, one female.

Together we will share our insights and our reviews of beers as if we were talking about a man or women.

Visit - read - drink - but most importantly enjoy.