Ms. Stella Artois

If this beer were a woman...

she would be the female version of a loveable douchebag. This is the girl a man regularly finds himself around because of comfort but she does not bring anything that special to the table. However, she sure as hell feels as if she is the bees knees as exhibited by her attempts to introduce herself in the strongest French accent possible, attempting to make themselves sounds as sophisticated as possible...failing to do so I might add. However, she is  run of the mill, as if women like her are
only slightly less mass produced than Budweiser. But when you are caught in a situation where you have to make a decent decision but just do not want to think about it, this woman is your choice. And when you tell your friends about it their response is "Really? Her again?"

Ms. Leffe Blonde

If this beer were a woman...

she'd have a sunny disposition, and surprise surprise be blonde; however despite this she would not flaunt herself or her golden locks or her athletic body. This lady spent time in an abbey...making you wonder whether she is of deep faith or if she has similar behavioral tendencies to that of a naughty preacher's daughter, both of you which you find appealing in very, very different ways.  Spending time with this women in all arenas of life always go smoothly. She is low maintenance and puts the needs of others in front of her own as reflected in her job as a nurse at the local hospital treating the elderly. Your only worry about her is that at times she will be too nice for her own good, leaving her vulnerable to be preyed upon. She even gave away your birthday gift to someone else who crossed her path who was in more need. You want to ask for help with things, but you are racked with apprehension and guilt when doing so because you know no matter what she will say yes. Her kind nature makes you feel as though you may not be worthy of her affection and that same nature infuriates you when she gives away your birthday gift to some goddamn homeless guy on the street. She is the sweetest b**** you'll ever meet. And no her name is not Sammi.

Lagunitas "Maximus IPA"

If this beer were a man...

...he would talk about his rugby league and occasional ultimate fighting endeavors in such a way that portrayed an innate enthusiasm for athleticism, rather than a desire to show off his physical prowess. Although his day job is not where is passion lies, it allows the required amount of flexibility and vacation time for him to engage in these extra curricular activities.  He also enjoys coaching, and volunteers his time teaching soccer to children and adolescents. He dreams of one day coaching at the collegiate level, and feels confident enough to do so in any number of different sports. Perhaps a bit too often, you find yourself emailing him job listings for swim coaches, as you know he's the type of man who teaches by example, and you yearn for opportunities to see him scantily clad in a public setting. You're a little intimidated the first time he suggests a gym date. He can out run, out lift and out bike you, but proves to be enthusiastic and encouraging in a way that challenges you to exceed your personal goals. And if you were still in middle school, you could picture yourself doodling "Mrs. Lagunitas Maximus IPA" in the margins of your diary. 

Mr. Dogfish Head "Raison D'Etre"

If this beer were a man...

...he would talk about his career in the organic culinary field with such  endless fervor, that he could redirect any conversation back to this topic. People around him would wonder if he was truly that passionate about the subject, or if it was just nervous energy and/or that he sincerely lacked the social skills to read others' non-verbal cues of disinterest. As he becomes more comfortable, you sense an underlying depth of someone who has had to overcome an adverse experience, and you listen for contextual clues that might indicate childhood trauma, a history of depression or a substance abusing past. You would feel that if he could just trust you enough to be genuine, that sharing his past had the potential to be a strong bonding experience. Unfortunately it would take months of trying to get him to open up before you realize that you should leave the therapy for your day job. You try not to feel guilty when you end things and your response to the "Can we still be friends" question is, "Ehhhh... I'm sorry...I just don't think so..."

Mr. Sam Adams "Stony Brook Red"

If this beer were a man...

...he would saunter up to you as you waited at the bar for your first drink, with an air of arrogant entitlement. He would be armed only with contrite pick up lines, and unfortunately none of them would be as functional as: "Can I buy you a drink." Although even if he had offered to buy you a drink, after about 90 seconds of slimy glances, audacious comments, and three attempts to put his arm around your waist, you would have informed him that you would gladly take the drink, but you had no intention of spending another degrading second in his company once the bartender put that beer in your hand. But alas, he's not buying your drink, so you give him a piece of your mind, using as many four syllable words as possible (hoping there's at least one in there that he cannot define) before you turn and march to the other end of the bar. Had your first interaction with him been closer to last call, while you were at the phase of the evening where everyone is dancing like no one else is watching, the interaction would have looked much different. He would have come on strong on the dance floor, and while his cockiness would still be apparent, at least you wouldn't have to hear him speak. You would dance with him, finding satisfaction in always keeping him at arms length, and smirking each time you squashed his attempts to get close enough to grind against you. As the lights came on and the music faded out, you and your girlfriends would swiftly turn and exit the bar without as much as a wave goodbye, and only then would it dawn on him that he wasn't getting lucky that night. 

Ms. New Belgium "Abbey Belgian Style Ale"

If this beer were a woman...

...she would have hints of sweetness under the surface of a classy and sophisticated yet rugged exterior. Her hair would be long, flowing and mahogany colored. She is the type of women who could cook a four course meal and then go camping out in the woods, maybe enjoy a lakefront cabin. This diversity keeps you on your toes and leaves you wondering what is around each corner...a four course French style gourmet meal or some girl popping a squat in the woods, but she still looks cute and is always, always behind a bush, maintaining her classiness. This women yields a sense of security as well as consistent excitement that makes you wonder where life and/or this women will lead you.

Ms. Goose Island "312 Urban Wheat Ale"

If this beer were a woman....

...she would be sensitive  without being that overly sensitive crazy ass b*****.  This slender and athletic women is low maintenance and enjoys just hanging out at the ballgame in the sunny days of summer.  She has a pleasant and unassuming personality who at times seems like she is one of the fellas, but manages to maintain her femininity in those sexy subtle ways including flashing that beaming smile that makes your day. However, her unassuming personality makes you fail to appreciate her and eventually you drift apart, finding yourself back in the single world before long  And at fleeting times you find yourself wondering what could of been...until you see that next cute girl walk by.

Mr. Magic Hat "#9"

If this beer were a man...

...he would be a friend since childhood. You would hug every time you saw each other, without exchanging an ounce of sexual attraction. He's never come out and said it, but you've known since the first grade that he was batting for the other team, and you're both perfectly comfortable with that silent understanding.  You always feel at ease around him, and ever since middle school he's been someone who you could count on for intelligent conversation and a light and fun filled evening. He's clever and witty, with a sarcastic edginess. The number of inside jokes between you is countless, and you'll admit, on more than one occasion he's made you laugh so hard that you peed yourself a little. 

Mr. Cottrell Brewing Company "Mystic Bridge IPA"

If this beer were a man...

...you would be very aware of his ability to change a tire, move heavy furniture, and grow a full beard. But he would also hold the door for you (even after years of dating), ask if you needed anything when he got up off the couch to grab a glass of water on movie night, and clear both of your dishes off the table after dinner. Heck, sometimes he would even cook the meal, but with a degree of frequency that always made the occasion feel novel. Although he would appear very outgoing from the start, you would often find yourself pleasantly surprised by his ability to catch you off guard with unexpected thoughts and ideas, and many late nights would be spent in exhilarating conversation.

Mr. Magic Hat "Ticket to Rye"

If this beer were a man...

...he would be tall, of African decent, and built, with dreads so perfect, that you couldn't help but wonder if God had a hand in crafting each one individually. As he towered a foot above you, you would imagine how safe it would feel to be wrapped in his arms. And when you described him to your friends, you would swear that his biceps were the size of your thighs. You would stand close to him when he spoke, breathing deeply to take in his earthy scent with a subtle sweetness that you could not get enough of. The week following your encounter, your friends would get sick of hearing you pine after this beautiful man who oozed masculinity, while portraying a humble gentleness. They would ask you repeatedly why you didn't ask him for his number, and each time you would reply, "I'm not worthy! I'm not worthy!" They would giggle at the Wayne's World reference, but you weren't entirely kidding. 

Ms. Pabst Blue Ribbon

If this beer were a woman...

This hard nosed, rugged chick will call and enjoys calling you out for anything and everything...whether you deserve it or not. But at the same time she would not care if you took a piss in the alley. She is aggressive and will pounce on you without hesitance or consideration for her or your state of hygiene, but hey what guy cares? She believes her man will stick around for her pap smear results. Or well at least his beer goggles tell him such. So fellas live and learn..or basically run way from that PBR. Although in that late night and at that so affordable price...it is ever so tempting.

Introduction

This will host profiles of beers comparing them to a gender. 

We have two authors - one male, one female.

Together we will share our insights and our reviews of beers as if we were talking about a man or women.

Visit - read - drink - but most importantly enjoy.