Ms. "Tecate" Cerveza

If this beer were a woman...

she would have a slight albeit cute bitterness to her aura. Like she has a decent sized chip on her shoulder, but this by no means drives her to work hard at her profession or party hardy. At the same time, this not a leading to exciting rash actions or being a bit nutty in a fun way, so no fun craziness. At first you think this is a reflection that she is accepting of her nature and well failure in life, but then you realize she's happy with her life despite the fact that it is not that exciting of one; she certainly doesn't get your motor revving. This acceptance and happiness with the simplicity of her life causes you to respect her, but you really do not enjoy her company a great ton. She is just too down and out to excite you. You realize she may be a good thoughtful friend, who can always over you perspective on things. However, she is a bit of a Debbie Downer...but don't worry she is not a Sober Sally, those b****es be the worst.

Mr. Kona "Big Wave"

If this beer were a man...

...he would have a thirst for knowledge and new experiences. He would typically have something planned for every night of the week, without ever feeling stressed out. He would be well educated, up to date on current events, and able to have a conversation with anyone about anything. At the same time, he could appreciate silence without feeling the need to break it in order to ease his own discomfort. (This combinations makes him one of your favorite beach companions.) He would have a way of bringing out the best in you and others, and putting people at ease. He's the kind of man that you can invite to your extended family's huge 4th of July bash, without worrying about him staying glued to your side. In fact, driving home at the end of the day, he would share copious amounts of information about your relatives, including detail after detail that you were not already privy to. There is no doubt in your mind that everyone will still be inquiring about him over Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners. 

Ms. SOL Cerveza Importada

If this beer were a woman...

she's a relaxed, free flowing sweet hearted girl that enjoys silly goose conversations on the beach as you bask in the sun under an assortment of different beach umbrellas. There's the Sponge Bob Square Pants, Bill Nye the Science Guy, Dora the Explorer, and Jersey Shore themed umbrellas and accompanying beach attire. These umbrellas are symbolic of both her childish nature and her level of intelligence. But that hot blonde body that looks amazing in that Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles bikini (apparently they do make those, which is probably wrong) keeps you around. You have boat loads of fun, but are never able to get past those light hearted conversations revolving around Snooki's latest escapades, the maturation of Sponge Bob or that Bill Nye video on osmosis (well I guess, that's a little intellectual). This light hearted relationship was enjoyable but certainly leaves you realizing you want more depth in a relationship. She makes you realize that you no longer want to be a kid at all times...although it sure can be fun to be a kid again.

Ms. Dos Equis "Amber Lager"

If this beer were a woman...

she would have skin that resembled dark chocolate thats glistens in the bright sun, where she spends as much of the day as possible. She has full bodied hair with slight curls, speaks with a sexy little Spanish accent that gets your motor revving, and  possesses an aura of sophistication, as she considers herself the most interesting woman in the world. There are attempts at intellectual conversations that fail o so miserably, because she is just worried about sounding o so smart and mature; this makes her seem the complete and utter opposite. She often dresses up to feel better about herself and you spend time in trendy lounge bars around town. At first this makes you feel like you have finally grown up, maybe you have become a sophisticated adult or something...until you realize that she has made you resemble a pompous, posing asshole and she a fake b****. But you always find yourself staying thirsty for more my friends because...well she's hot.

Ms. Half Acre "Daisy Cutter Pale Ale"

If this beer were a woman...

she would be like a young farm girl, fond of daisies in the fields and the type of girl who you chill on a big wrap around porch with; enjoying some rocking chairs. As you rock back and forth rhythmically you both enjoy the crisp, pale taste of same "lemonade,' otherwise known as a very refreshing beer with a strong and dark aftertaste that is ever so refreshing on a sunny day in the summer. Both of you are shielding your pale skin from the warm country sun that is beaming down on the fields that surround you as far as the eye can see. One, if not two of you, may be gingers. You find yourself spending the day on the porch enjoying deep, thought provoking yet comfortable conversations. Time flies by and night arrives. Now she wants to go out on the town and show off her rugid, blunt, and outgoing party side. During the day she is intellectual and through provoking; at night she is giddy, goofy, and most of all just nutty outgoing girl on the town. It is almost as if is she is a werewolf; tame, intellectually thoughtful by day and a party animal by night. Those gingers be crazy. This versatility is ever so exciting...until she bites your head off one night. But you have no regrets and would do it all over
again and again and again...

Mr. Magic Hat "Saint Saltan"

If this beer were a man...

...there would be something about him that you find wildly attractive (perhaps his passion, his talent, his intelligence, or maybe just his abs...), and yet, you are not attracted to him. You are endlessly frustrated by this fact at first, and keep trying to let yourself dive in head over heels. The first day that you are PMSing in his presence, however, his one overwhelmingly attractive quality can no longer mask the truth: he lacks the level of emotional intelligence that you need in a man. It is blatantly obvious as you collapse into a heap on the couch, breaking into tears at the end of a heart-warming movie, that he does not know how to take care of you or comfort you. He stands at a distance, peeved by your display of emotion, and you are awed that, in addition to his shallowness, he doesn't even have the creative problem-solving skills to at least offer you a beer. 

Mr. Heavy Seas Loose Cannon Hop3 IPA

If this beer were a man...
 
 ...he would love both steak and granola. His facial hair would be scruffy in a way that left you unsure whether he was attempting to grow a goatee, or whether laziness had resulted in a 5 0'clock shadow to the nth degree. He would kiss passionately with an unexpected depth, and with the bittersweet (and demandingly masculine) chaffing of facial hair against the softness of your cheek. He would be in love with the outdoors, and hardcore enough to go camping for a weekend at Acadia National Park in Maine in late October. While sharing the intimacy of a 2-person tent with you in the snow, he would be surprisingly in touch with in emotions and desires. And you would be delighted to learn that he was also the kind of man who owned a disabled pet....like a 3-legged bunny.